


two-headed boy, she is all you could need

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Alexander Hamilton Being an Asshole, Angst, Arguing, Break Up, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Emotional Hurt, Exes, F/F, Feelings, Female Alexander Hamilton, Female Thomas Jefferson, Fighting, Lesbians, Past Relationship(s), This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Yelling, breaking up, tons of angst, very angies geez, wlw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:15:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26458546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: but don't hate her when she gets up to leave
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson, Alexandria Hamilton/Thom Jefferson
Comments: 3
Kudos: 20





	two-headed boy, she is all you could need

**Author's Note:**

> yo i hope u like this i just want more wlw jamilton content *cat smirking face*

Alex knows that when the door of her apartment opens and Thom’s heels click across the floor, that she will never hear the sound of her coming home again. Alexandria knows that the sound of the coffee and tea brewing on the stove will not wake her up on Sunday moorings after tonight. She knows that soon the clothes in her closet will not be color coordinated after a while. She knows that the smell of rose will fade from her bed sheets, pillowcases, and comforter in about a month. Alex knows she will not see Thom’s toothbrush next to hers. 

Alex realizes she’s just staring blankly at her computer, her fingers hovering over the keys but not one word is being typed. She blinks back into the real world, full of real people who hurt each other in real ways, which have real consequences. To be honest, Alex hasn’t cried about Thom or any circumstance surrounding her. She makes sure that there’s a cap on her emotions so that nobody can poke her when they are present. She thinks if she can push this down when Thom tells her she’s dumping her, she can move along quicker. Get back into the groove of work, her writing, and looking for someone else. She thinks that all of this will be over tomorrow and she can just move along. 

Eventually, the door is pushed open and heels click across the floor and Hamilton’s heart is no longer beating in her chest. It has crawled and slithered and yanked it’s way up into her throat, blocking any air coming out or in. Beating so wildly that it’s borderline painful, she’s sure it’ grown spikes and is stabbing through the skin of her throat, leaving her voice box shredded and torn. And there cannot be any possibility that she can even speak in front of Jefferson.

Her eyes are still focused on the blank document by the time Thom is standing in the doorway of their small compact kitchen. Well. Hamilton’s small and compact kitchen. Alex’s heart thumps painfully in her throat, plunging and retracting its spikes every time. Out of the corner of her eye she knows she’s being watched and the heavy gaze of Jefferson really can’t be ignored. She really could never ignore how Thom would just watch her, make her feel like she was the stars and the moon just with her eyes. Although, it wasn’t like that now. Everything they were, everything they’ve done, just sits between them both. Alex feels sticky and gross like she wants a shower after Thom looks at her like that. Alex doesn’t have to look at Thom to see the pain, regret, and conflict in her eyes. It’s always the same look in their eyes when she gets dumped for being too interested, not being interested enough, or something else. She cringes a little thinking of Elijah. That wound was still a little sore, apparently. She gains enough sense to make herself look at least a little bit busy by starting to type nonsense. 

Thom, who has been with her for a little over two years and knows every little tick Hamilton does, gives a snort. Hamilton looks up from her document, eyes starting to narrow. She opens her mouth to shoot off at her almost ex-girlfriend, but stops dead in her tracks when she sees all the hurt in her eyes. They’re red-rimmed and her annoyingly-always-perfect eyeliner is smeared. She looks like a shell of her normal self. Well, the normal Alex is used too, at least. The normal Thom, who’s hair gets put up into a bonnet before bed, who lets her accent slip when she’s all whiny and tired, who giggles like a maniac at Alex’s dumb jokes. Who touched her like there was no tomorrow and this was the last time she could feel Alex breathing, warm, smiling, laughing, alive. She looks like she wants to reach out, her hands shaking a little by her side. She looks like she wants to thread her fingers into Hamilton’s hair, brush her thumb over her lips, and tell her how beautiful she is. But she doesn’t. She just stares at her girlfriend with a small, sad smile on her face. It drops a dead weight in her stomach and almost makes her sick.

Alexandria gains her words back, unjumbles them from her head and opens her mouth to let them spill out in a messy way that will stain the white tile under her feet. Alex racks her brain quickly, trying to string the words that are currently just floating around, into more than just a low whimper. And of course, out of every option she has, she picks the absolute worst combination. But, hey, not like it will matter anyway. Alex fakes a little scoff, wiping her previous look of hurt/shock of her face, and lets her mouth move, unfortunately. 

“You look like shit.” Her mind, as well as her eyes, feels almost hazy and she can feel the dip of adrenaline in her bloodstream get heavier and heavier with every word and second. Anxiety, dread, and something like regret dance together in her stomach, in a fun little cocktail of “You’re Fucked!”. Thom’s eyes twitch a little as if she couldn’t believe that this was what Alex would say to her. Alex knows how harsh that sounded and it would dig under the skin of someone that’s been around as long as Thom has. Thom hasn't even said a word to Alex yet, but she’s already putting up walls with long spikes and shutting out someone who once loved her more than anything on the planet. Alex immediately regrets what her mouth decided to announce, but she beats that feeling back into the corner of her mind and reminds herself that being sad only slows down the work she has to get done. 

Two and a half months ago that would have been a joke Hamilton would say and Jefferson would roll her eyes and kiss her gently on the cheek and ask her what she wants for dinner that night. Now, Jefferson looks like she’s about to scream, cry, explode or all of the above. 

“You look like you’re about to have a nervous breakdown.” Thom mumbles, gesturing to Hamilton's shaking hands and bouncing leg. Hamilton scoffs. She hates how she feels almost hurt as if she wasn’t expecting exactly this. They were never the type to just accept that the other was in a bad mood. One of them always prodded at the other until they snapped and started an argument, but that always ended with an apology and cuddling. Alex grimaces knowing this argument won’t end like the others. 

Hamilton wishes she would just get on with it, dammit! Thom knows she’s not busy, she’s drawing it out, and for what? 

“What is it that you want, Thom?” Alex sneers. Thom looks like Alex just slapped her across the face but she blinks and the walls go up immediately. Thom plops herself down in the chair in front of Hamilton and she can’t help but watch Thom’s jaw work and longs for two months ago. She hates herself for it. 

“We need to discuss,” Thom pauses, glancing down at the still open laptop and raising an eyebrow. The two women stare at each other blankly before it becomes obvious that Hamilton “doesn’t know what she’s talking about” and she won’t close the laptop. “This.” Hamilton stares at her, expressionlessly and Thom sighs and rolls her eyes. “Us.”

After a moment Alex opens her mouth to speak but Thom decides she’s not done. 

“What else do you want me to say, Alex?” 

“Nothing for right now, so I can speak for a change.”

Anger flashes in Thom’s dark eyes. “We both know you talk whether somebody is talking or not.” Thom spits, “What’s holding you back now?”

Alex grits her teeth, the feeling of want and wishes twisting in her chest like a knife.

“What is this about, Thom?” She says after a second of thinking. 

“You know exactly what this is about, Alexandria. We both know you’re so smart, so why don’t you use that big brain.” Thom taps her temple and glares, so it doesn't feel like much of a compliment. 

“Are you expecting me to apologize for something? Because that’s-,” Hamilton knows her voice is teething on the edge of “too loud for a civil discussion” but she and Jefferson never had those to begin with.

“Nobody is expecting you to apologize, Alex! God!” Thom slams her hands down on the table. “You’ve already “apologized” enough!” 

Hamilton sits at their small, two person dining table, stunned down to the core of her bones. For a fleeting moment Thom’s face changes from the red-hot rage to remorse and regret. Hamilton can practically see the gears working around what Thom had just done and said and what was the best way to go about trying to talk this out civilly. Even if Thom wanted to apologize for her outburst, Hamilton wasn’t the kind to let things go that easily. 

Alex blinks and a sick, sarcastic smile ripples across her face.

“Well,” she breathes in the aftermath of it all. “Hitting our table isn’t going to tell me exactly what you want, now is it Thom?”

The fury is back in Thom’s face and she must realize that there is no winning when it comes to Alexandria Hamilton. A fact she should have realized long ago, before starting a long term relationship with the immigrant. 

Cars speed by the apartment down on the street, unaware of Alex’s world ripping seam by seam and being lost to the black abyss of history. Nobody has any idea of the dirty feeling in her gut and the ill charging of her brain as it all goes to mush. Nobody has any idea of how bad it is to actually see Thom hurt. Nobody knows of the walls with the spikes and how utterly horrible it is to see them when you’re the one person who never has to. Alex feels her entire universe slowly tipping over, losing its balance. She wishes that she could tip over and fall into space with it. 

“What I want,” Thom sneers, voice sharp and painful as if one could cut their tongue around those words. “Is for you to think about what you did, and put the entirety of your superiority complex or whatever it is, aside for one moment, and think about how it might have affected me.”

Hamilton’s gaze has drifted back to the laptop that is now on its idling screen of pitch black. The more she stares the more she drowns it all out and the black screen starts to get all fuzzy. Maybe if she keeps staring, when she looks up Jefferson will be gone and she won’t have to face her mistakes.  
“All I did,” Hamilton starts slowly, “Was stopping a rumor from spreading.” 

“By admitting to the whole rumor.” Jefferson says after Hamilton doesn’t tag that bit of information at the end. Alexandria doesn’t have to look up to see that Thom is pinching her nose. “You know how you aren’t supposed to out people, Alex?” Thom asks, her voice like the water of the ocean before a hurricane. “While you may be comfortable being out and being proud about who you are, I am not.” Alex opens her mouth to speak but Thom hushes her and that alone makes Alex want to scream. But she keeps her mouth closed tight. “When you addressed the rumor of our relationship at the press conference that was being nationally televised, did you even think of me? Did you even think of what I wanted? What was best for me?” 

Alex doesn’t answer.

“Did you, Alex?”

“No, I guess I didn’t!” Alex brakes completely, tears welling up in her eyes. Thom takes a sharp breath in and Alex looks up at the pained face of her girlfriend. “I told the whole country that we sleep in the same bed, that we eat our breakfast together, that we fuck,” Her voice breaks at the last word and she stands up suddenly. “And I don’t regret that I did.” Thom is staring at her with a look of sick-stricken-shock. “Not even for a second!” 

“You jeopardized my whole campaign!” Thom yells, standing up as well. “Do you even listen to me when I tell you things? Did you just zone me out when I told you were most of my votes are from? Well, in case you did, they come from the fucking South!” 

Alex feels wetness on her cheek and realizes that she’s crying. She hates herself even more that she’s the one crying, when it was her that trashed Thom’s campaign. 

“News flash, Alex,” Thom spits her name with so much force that Alexandria is surprised that the world doesn’t actually fall from her lover's mouth. “The south doesn’t like people like us!”

“I don’t understand why you just keep letting them fuck you over then!” Alex screams, “They don’t show you respect, why should you keep bending over for them!?”

“You have no idea what it’s like to come from somewhere where people care!”

The room feels thick with that sentence. Alex chokes on her breath and lets out her first audible sob. 

Thom’s eyes fill with tears too and her nose scrunches up as they fall down her face.

“You don’t actually care about me.” 

Alexandria had been battling Republicans, xenophobes, and racists for 10 years of her life since she came to America. She’s heard every name, every degrading term, and statement. She can handle it all and while it grates against her mind, she hardly bats an eyelash. But, there is nothing that can prepare her for pain and the gaping wound that that sentence caused her. 

Repress it. She thinks. You can get back to your work if you just don’t feel. Repress . Repress. Repress it Goddammit, Alex. 

She had broken before, but now she’s caving in. Hamilton sobs into the hand that she is now covering her mouth with as Thom rubs her tears away with the heel of her hand.  
“If you did,” Thom pauses choking on a sob of her own. “If you did, you wouldn’t have done that. You would have thought about me. About us.” 

“Thom, please,” Hamilton sobs, gasps but there’s never enough air. 

Thom stares at her a fresh wave of tears coating her dark cheeks. “You still never said you were sorry.”

“I am- I- Thom please, I am-,” The feelings she locked behind the vault, bust it open and crash down all over Hamilton. She feels like she’s doing with how it feels. She’s thrashing against the waves of it, trying to keep her head afloat, but all she sees is Thom’s pain and Thom’s mother calling her a dyke as a child, and how all Alex did was bring that back. Hamilton gasps for air and Thom’s face scrunches up one last time with new tears. 

“I will be back for my things tomorrow.” 

The last thing Alex sees before crashing to the tiled floor and crying till she pukes, is Thom’s red eyes. The last thing she hears is the clicking of heels and the apartment door opening.

**Author's Note:**

> all grammatical errors are mine! thank u for reading <3


End file.
